Since about June I feel like my life has completely changed in a negative direction. Before the summer I had false hope of moving to San Diego with my buddy Trevor. I was going to go to school there, meet new people and get the effff out of the 209. Just weeks before we had planned to move, shit hit the fan. Then some guy below continued to relentlessly pelt shit at this fan and ruin my plans. I tell you what blog, it was a bummer. Surprisingly however this unfortunate event isn't what triggered my mental (somewhat) breakdown.
I used to be a really positive person. I looked up no matter how deep my grave was dug. I had goals set for myself. I believed in myself. I liked people. Slowly, the view in which I see the world began to alter. I couldn't sleep at night, truly convincing myself that I was going to die in my sleep. I couldn't eat or work. I went to the hospital and stayed in the ER. Nothing was wrong with me. My friends saw a difference in me, but I didn't talk about it. I was trapped in my own mind and I really made myself sick.
My world was changed because my need of change was not met.
I found things about myself that I never knew before. I don't like routine that's for sure. I need change. I'm just beginning to pick things back up again. My family told me that it was because of my age and the point of life that I'm at. Its kind of a transitional age. I feel like a damn kid. I've been doing the same thing for 15 years that I've lived on my block. I need to do things on my own.
And geez, I come up with some pretty crazy plans for myself. I've found that I have ambition in my thoughts but not in my actions.
Independent Parker's ideas:
- Going to a school for Optometry and becoming a doctor for the eyes.
- Transferring my job and getting a promotion THEN move to Oregon, live by myself for a year to claim residency then attend the University of Oregon. (This plan is actually the current one on my mind) Why Oregon? I got good vibes.
Dependent Parker's failed plans
- Moving to an apartment in Sacramento with Jp to study Music Production. Failed because Jp got married and decided to move to the coast guard.
- Move to San Francisco with Don and attend Expression College for Digital Arts. Failed because the Don's Aunts house that we were going to live in was actually sold three years prior to us creating this plan. Information that would have been greatly appreciated.
- Moving to San Diego with Trevor. Failed because financial issues with parents. Note to self: Broke kids can't afford San Diego.
- More failures in the works I'm sure.
I've realized what I have done and analyzed why I feel this way and it's time that I do something about it. In the meantime I'm here in Stockton and need some to make some changes Writing about it really helps actually. I'd like to see from fresh faces. I'd like to get out of this rut I'm in.